The director, the actor, the crew and the viewer
tontons, covr, I like this.
new cover, i'm getting better at being honest about how happy and miserable it is to be..we are the living room concerts, falling into the doors, but i keep on singing and crying
WE are the drug mumbles. <--- no one steal this please, it's my imaginary band!
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lyrics in which i so haphazardly changed to my moments, i do this A lot.
there were more of where I used to talk to myself and see
all the fines and all the lines that I've been writing
that I never chose to be
how is it that i'm selfishly making out?
but I say that if I lose you I just won't be fine
don't take ways, but!
i am still crying while i'll sing
cos i don't want to lose you and i'm saying to myself
that baby baby baby maybe I don't want to be that way
but how can I be and not be so wrong?
how am i so wrong?
cos I am so happy now!!
And so, i'm in the way
Also, I want you to know --
If I do something, I'm doing it for you
Guess I got to realize how little control I have
Not so sad that your gone
but that I did every thing that I could do
y'know you're not the type to win, you're the type to devour
OH YEAH, DOWNLOAD THE ORIGINAL SONG FO FREE HERE: it's 'leon' - http://tontons.bandcamp.com/album/the-tontons-self-titled
yeah, i switched it to frank ocean
personal record #924627yu
Best listened to after a couple of drinks or when you are not obnoxious with sour opinions. Alas, I've been having dreams of isolation, and Lord knows we've both been changing fast…But I still love you forever and we will do great things together or apart.
the challenge of success
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A little side note: when I was making NORMAL, I originally wrote it for Olivia to be in it, so, when she said no, not once but twice…yeah I really have no pride when I want someone on my film's side; I was left broken and I just didn't know where to go from that point, the best time of my life did not want to come back, I mean, I thought I got to decide that we were going to make movies for the rest of our lives or at least for a while...controlling bastard..I couldn't believe my dream woke up..long rant, short....all of it made me cry and no one could promise me that my film could feel better. SO, I didn't want to make it anymore. But, I couldn't quit...my mama wouldn't let me, or better put, she has NO sympathy on the lazy and the dreaming, as she says..one monkey doesn't stop the show, I believe..that's a Southern colloquial meaning - you have to keep going..no matter what happens. So, I am honest and I am sure! That the comfort of a Mother's love is all you need. But, well, that's not to say, that it was easy from that point forward, because in actuality it just got a lot harder. So, isn't it strange how the desires you want by your side can hold you in a cruel comfort despite how much they mean to you...I believe this is where your flesh dies and your spirit and the dream lives...if it wills.
For, now I was armed with nothing with to lose and everything to find.
So, fast forward to the next the best time of my life..where I'm destined to be, where the fear of my past rejection is trying to take my joy and breath away…perhaps like never before, I mean..when you don't get what you really wanted, when you think you've lost, those thoughts keep running in your head, and they tend to hold you back from experiencing the full measure of someone's else greatness.
But, I want you to know, just in case you don't..that it is worth it. You are worth your dreams, you deserve to go far, keep your spirit & dream going. I just..think if I would have left NORMAL on the shelf, I would have been locked up to what ifs and to my dreams thinking the worst of me. I would have not been able to work with Jacob and that was something I was really excited about. I would have lost. So you really want in? Don't be so sorry that you are so sad, because I know it is worth it, you really have to know your time is worth more than money could ever afford, than all the pretty girls in the world. God's destiny for your life wants to take you by the hand and show you the world and how it ain't that bad, so know that it IS worth it!
I've realized how much rejection can take out of one, it takes your illusion and burns it to the ground and can make you feel as if you are a wild animal born with broken bones, you just don't know what to do. Unconsciously, the feelings of rejection can keep going. Like, you feel you are never sure what to do, as if one complement/joke can fuck everything. We never realize how much rejection puts on us, until we try again. It seems to be a gift because you can't stay there all the years of your life, especially if you really expect to try again.
A beautiful Sofia Albam, made her bed in hell to carve this truth that makes me cry, "And it is important to let everyone down sometimes, so that you realize just how much they mean to you. And it is important to know that we will do great things together or apart. Though, I know it feels like we weren't made for this world, like we should have never been born, but I am glad that we were born."
She's right, it's true, so, go and tell everybody you hold in the highest of esteems, because they've all been changing fast, and I know you want to love them forever.
Feel better, becos being forgotten is constant, change is constant xx
Oh and check back for some exciting stuff happening this Spring, and thx for reading today
--> credit to squinch owl for the lyrics pinched in, best
-April
solution: burn it!, oh iloveyou
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I'm now singing you every new song I love. I don't think it's perfect, but it's okay. Notice how scared I get when I hear my neighbors knock on the wall, I just stop cold for second, then I think I don't care, but I'll turn it down. And...yes, I know what headphones are, but mine's are crappy. My mama on the other hand has just gotten used to me yelling in the wee hours of a good morning. Its normal for her.
listen 2 the uninterupted song here : http://sonsofanillustriousfather.bandcamp.com/album/one-body
this finding of this whole band is dear to me, just go listen to it all. they're all treasure.
songs i'm currently obsessed with: this one..of course, i will kill you in your sleep, we will do great things, moonshiner, the unrest that keeps us true, go down moses
i think this q&a with myself went well
> why do you think you're so cool?
idk, because fools like you ask me shit
> how do you know claudia devlin?
i sent her a message on Fb going "all right darling, your work makes me excited." and it went from there
> what camera should i get
whichever one you can afford
> film or digital
film
> fuck you
i'm not like that
> you suck
i don't recognize this at all
> do you have a bf
no
> do you like girls
as long as they're not wanting to have sex with me, then sure i like girls
> what camera do you use
ae-1, 60d, olympus stylus zoom
> do you think you're cute
sure?
> have you found a life yet?
apparently
> how do you get on imdb?
make a movie or be in one
> can you tell me about the last book you've read
no
> russia loves you
then i should learn russian, (thank you) <-- in russian
> are you nice?
yes!!
> do you like black boys?
sure
> what is your favorite clothing line?
i don't have one, i just like what looks good to me
> any advice?
like the idea that everyone doesn't like you
> are you sleepy?
mind-reader!!! yes
> are you a virgin?
yes
> are you tired of fucking everyone?
i'm never pleased
> what's your favorite movie?
idk, really, i don't
> do you hate anyone?
no
> jesus is my homeboy
cool
> are you a religious freak?
i am a Jesus freak.yes
> where do you live?
houston
> drugs?
obviously not, becuz weed aint shit
> how old r u?
20
> what do you think of gay people?
they are people who are gay
> why do you like denmark?
because i'm not like them
> spoiled rich cunt, you're not famous, no one likes you
well...i saw that coming
> i hate when ppl think they're being funny answering questions, you are not funny
and, what do you think you're being?
> i have better things to do then to read your sarcastic answers
it sure doesn't seem that way
if weed don't kill me, then nothin will
I'm tired of being in the spirit of the Lord, my God everyday and still having to be emotionally bound by my consumption of weed. There has to be something that connects to me at a deeper level, so that my spirit will have peace - at a higher capacity. When being gaged with the conflicts of my spirit, I love to have a smoke, this is how I got in this situation, weed brings peace to my physical (body) and psychological (mind) sense. But, I am learning that I can't just play with my mind and touch the ineffectual senses of my body and expect to prosper in my spirit. So, now that the days have took my ganja, I get upset in my spirit and I lose peace within myself and with God. My mind gets stressed out, where I can't even sleep at night, drinking just to calm myself down, listening to the same songs over and over and still getting nowhere. I know, y'all ain't never been here. For the weapons of warfare are not carnal, but are born out of the spirit. We are not mighty in flesh, and this year, this addiction has got to get off of me. Because God is doing something crazy in my life..that is getting me out of the box. And when I step out, I need everything in my power to be in check. I will not let my spirit be taken for granted. Thank you Jesus for providing me with strength. I'm about to step into a realm of blessings that even my haters can't stop, and I need to be prepared. I declare this year will be beyond what I can even think, dream, or dare to imagine. How do I know this? Because, God has done it before. As of today, I'm not gonna worry about it, because with all this being said, I'm still here by the grace of God, and 2012 has been testing my manifestation for being blessed. So, I speak unto everything that holds up my character, in the voice of Lil Wayne, stop throwing pebbles at a bulletproof glass. You can't stop me. And, just think if you haven't been under attack, you ain't been fighting for shit.
Stay blessed, April
* Don't me get wrong, I still enjoy having weed, but I want to get to the point, where I can I have it and it doesn't have me. I got into it, out of depression, and I'm not depressed anymore. So, I need to strike of sense of balance within it and myself, and sometimes the best way to propagate structure is to tear the whole thing down and start building again on a new and stable foundation. Best xx
Behind the glasses
So I saw these glasses the day after Christmas, loved them, but had no money to buy them. So, after being terribly nice and realizing the value of trusting a higher source, God, the lady there went beyond their polices and procedures to hold them until the new year, when my mother's insurance would be able to cover the costs. So, there's a most charming quality to bringing your likability up to God's standard of being, good things happen! I left empty handed but filled with hope. Fast forward to the new year, yay!! Going to pick up my glasses, right? Uhh..no. Some lady who worked at the store went behind me and bought them, albeit they had been there forever, and had piqued no particular interest to anyone until I desired em. Soooo, Bummer. I had got an eye exam for these bitches. So, sulk-sulk, put your headphones on and tune out your mind, and realize it could be a hell of a lot worse, but by modern measure it registered as wtf, you promised me that they would be here. So, I don't get my way, yet. Patience and also reminding myself of the status that I was still extremely blessed and prosperous in this moment compared to so many others, this problem was not a problem. At my mother's suggestion, when I arrived home, I call all the lenscrafters in Houston, not much luck on finding a discontinued and discounted frame. Until, the 2nd to last store on my list, they had the glasses, but were so far away it was not even worth it. Gas, petrol whatever you call it, is expensive. Still, God is good and they offered to ship them to a store near me for free, I'd get them in 1 day. Long story short, well...not really, but all things work out for good for those who live and believe the greatness of God. Not all things are good, but all things work together to never abandon the purpose placed on your life, whatever that might be. In my opinion, it's incomprehensible for anyone to work out His plan, we only see what's in front of us, what our circumstances present or don't, we don't tend to see a bird's eye view of our problems, we live in our own little world - devoid of any sort of realization that our desires are often not the center of the universe. Perhaps, that's just me, though? I know each and every one of you are currently preoccupied with the mishaps of some poorly developed country. So, yeah, nice try proving me wrong. Today, I sit typing this in my old glasses, but my new ones are safely tucked away - the cold, icy metal frame comforted by a coiffure of rare ostrich feathers in a below than average case on one-one-two Grand Street. I am good, because God and His people are great. Best, April
la-la-la-lie-la-lie..
cover of the naked brothers band, song: i feel aloooneee
I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome, I took some comfort there, la-la-lie-la-lie * I just hope they don't point out how annoyingly loud and obnoxious I am..
Well, now that I've posted something I should be ashamed to spread around, let me bring attention around to two things I'm downright excited about:
Berksha Lookbook's featuring Claudia Devlin --
I mean, come on, just look at all the great photos involved in this set and the model is exceptionally wonderful. I'm really just downright honored to know this girl.
Second; the careless, the rebellious, and the unbelieving, who go against the purposes of love; the ones that won't get us anywhere, I sing a song for you ;)
I am leaving, I am leaving. But the fighter still remains,
April
*I also concur, that Simon & Garfunkel's The Boxer is one the best songs to ever touch my ears
