> why do you think you're so cool? 

idk, because fools like you ask me shit

> how do you know claudia devlin?

i sent her a message on Fb going "all right darling, your work makes me excited." and it went from there

> what camera should i get

whichever one you can afford

> film or digital

film

> fuck you

i'm not like that

> you suck

i don't recognize this at all

> do you have a bf

no

> do you like girls

as long as they're not wanting to have sex with me, then sure i like girls

> what camera do you use

ae-1, 60d, olympus stylus zoom

> do you think you're cute 

sure?

> have you found a life yet? 

apparently 

> how do you get on imdb?

make a movie or be in one

> can you tell me about the last book you've read

no

> russia loves you

then i should learn russian, (thank you) <-- in russian

> are you nice?

yes!!

> do you like black boys?

sure

> what is your favorite clothing line?

i don't have one, i just like what looks good to me

> any advice?

like the idea that everyone doesn't like you

> are you sleepy?

mind-reader!!! yes

> are you a virgin?

yes

> are you tired of fucking everyone?

i'm never pleased

> what's your favorite movie?

idk, really, i don't

> do you hate anyone?

no

> jesus is my homeboy

cool

> are you a religious freak?

i am a Jesus freak.yes

> where do you live?

houston

> drugs?

obviously not, becuz weed aint shit

> how old r u?

20

> what do you think of gay people?

they are people who are gay

> why do you like denmark?

because i'm not like them

> spoiled rich cunt, you're not famous, no one likes you

well...i saw that coming

> i hate when ppl think they're being funny answering questions, you are not funny

and, what do you think you're being?

> i have better things to do then to read your sarcastic answers

it sure doesn't seem that way

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

I'm tired of being in the spirit of the Lord, my God everyday and still having to be emotionally bound by my consumption of weed. There has to be something that connects to me at a deeper level, so that my spirit will have peace - at a higher capacity. When being gaged with the conflicts of my spirit, I love to have a smoke, this is how I got in this situation, weed brings peace to my physical (body) and psychological (mind) sense. But, I am learning that I can't just play with my mind and touch the ineffectual senses of my body and expect to prosper in my spirit. So, now that the days have took my ganja, I get upset in my spirit and I lose peace within myself and with God. My mind gets stressed out, where I can't even sleep at night, drinking just to calm myself down, listening to the same songs over and over and still getting nowhere. I know, y'all ain't never been here. For the weapons of warfare are not carnal, but are born out of the spirit. We are not mighty in flesh, and this year, this addiction has got to get off of me. Because God is doing something crazy in my life..that is getting me out of the box. And when I step out, I need everything in my power to be in check. I will not let my spirit be taken for granted. Thank you Jesus for providing me with strength. I'm about to step into a realm of blessings that even my haters can't stop, and I need to be prepared. I declare this year will be beyond what I can even think, dream, or dare to imagine. How do I know this? Because, God has done it before. As of today, I'm not gonna worry about it, because with all this being said, I'm still here by the grace of God, and 2012 has been testing my manifestation for being blessed. So, I speak unto everything that holds up my character, in the voice of Lil Wayne, stop throwing pebbles at a bulletproof glass. You can't stop me. And, just think if you haven't been under attack, you ain't been fighting for shit. 

Stay blessed, April 

* Don't me get wrong, I still enjoy having weed, but I want to get to the point, where I can I have it and it doesn't have me. I got into it, out of depression, and I'm not depressed anymore. So, I need to strike of sense of balance within it and myself, and sometimes the best way to propagate structure is to tear the whole thing down and start building again on a new and stable foundation. Best xx

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

So I saw these glasses the day after Christmas, loved them, but had no money to buy them. So, after being terribly nice and realizing the value of trusting a higher source, God, the lady there went beyond their polices and procedures to hold them until the new year, when my mother's insurance would be able to cover the costs. So, there's a most charming quality to bringing your likability up to God's standard of being, good things happen! I left empty handed but filled with hope. Fast forward to the new year, yay!! Going to pick up my glasses, right? Uhh..no. Some lady who worked at the store went behind me and bought them, albeit they had been there forever, and had piqued no particular interest to anyone until I desired em. Soooo, Bummer. I had got an eye exam for these bitches. So, sulk-sulk, put your headphones on and tune out your mind, and realize it could be a hell of a lot worse, but by modern measure it registered as wtf, you promised me that they would be here. So, I don't get my way, yet. Patience and also reminding myself of the status that I was still extremely blessed and prosperous in this moment compared to so many others, this problem was not a problem. At my mother's suggestion, when I arrived home, I call all the lenscrafters in Houston, not much luck on finding a discontinued and discounted frame. Until, the 2nd to last store on my list, they had the glasses, but were so far away it was not even worth it. Gas, petrol whatever you call it, is expensive. Still, God is good and they offered to ship them to a store near me for free, I'd get them in 1 day. Long story short, well...not really, but all things work out for good for those who live and believe the greatness of God. Not all things are good, but all things work together to never abandon the purpose placed on your life, whatever that might be. In my opinion, it's incomprehensible for anyone to work out His plan, we only see what's in front of us, what our circumstances present or don't, we don't tend to see a bird's eye view of our problems, we live in our own little world - devoid of any sort of realization that our desires are often not the center of the universe. Perhaps, that's just me, though? I know each and every one of you are currently preoccupied with the mishaps of some poorly developed country. So, yeah, nice try proving me wrong. Today, I sit typing this in my old glasses, but my new ones are safely tucked away - the cold, icy metal frame comforted by a coiffure of rare ostrich feathers in a below than average case on one-one-two Grand Street. I am good, because God and His people are great. Best, April

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

cover of the naked brothers band, song: i feel aloooneee

I do declare there were times when I was so lonesome, I took some comfort there, la-la-lie-la-lie * I just hope they don't point out how annoyingly loud and obnoxious I am..

Well, now that I've posted something I should be ashamed to spread around, let me bring attention around to two things I'm downright excited about:

Berksha Lookbook's featuring Claudia Devlin -- 

See the full gallery on Posterous

Second; the careless, the rebellious, and the unbelieving, who go against the purposes of love; the ones that won't get us anywhere, I sing a song for you ;)

I am leaving, I am leaving. But the fighter still remains,

April

*I also concur, that Simon & Garfunkel's The Boxer is one the best songs to ever touch my ears

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

piledriver_waltz_(cover).mp3 Listen on Posterous

i feel myself like i'm falling down like an hourglass

she tells me things, stop pretending

sometimes it feels like you're leaving

it sounds like i've been forgotten on the highest floor,

yelling that i'm high and scared of heights, but you're backing me 

and telling me that you've got to choose

and more than feeling terrible and so confused

you tell me don't be so blue, that i can make it, and you make that i can sing of you

sometimes it seems like i'm after, someone who is quite dapper, darling, wait 

but you know, i'll be talking to myself again, i told myself this'll be ending

i thought that i was just pretending, that maybe i could take advantage

but, i feel so lost, i'm trying hard to keep myself up this morning 

but, it feels like i've been forgotten on the highest floor, hell!

i could've killed myself a little easier, if you didn't want to come along,

well you say to choose

but more than feeling terrible, i feel so confused

yes, i was so happy, now i'm feeling sad

and how is this the same person too

i've got to comfortably lose 

my feelings just flow more lucid this way, it's an easy/fun way to not think so much about what you're saying, like rapping, almost. the real song is piledriver waltz by alex turner

just anotha high motherfucker trying to play the geetar, part of the revolution, oh yeah, i just got an ukelele, still learning to say the least, but whatevs <-- my spell check wants this to be "wharves"...tsk-tsk 

best xx

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

11_Andalusia_(Davenport).m4a Listen on Posterous

hello everyone, so, pretty much, i always find it interesting to find out what my friends are listening to, so i'm lyrically coordinating 10 songs that sum up the ending of my year and here are my favorites, courtesy of andrew asking. enjoy yesterday and today x 

one - she’s bright, he’s dark. she’s strong, he’s weak. and so on. 

two - sooo soo much fun to have imaginary concerts to, the album version also goes beyond being lovable

three -  imagine being empty everyday, that would suck, because you're angsty, i'm remembering what it was like to be made of sugar and glass, i like this one because its fragile

fo - my name is in it, and it's beyond sweet perfection and s & g very much have it together

five - i just wanna sleep in

six - my thought is that, uh, this is my jam, i'm telling you, this is where the gold is

seven ^^ at the top - my sleepysweet song, it's probably a chemical reaction that occurs in the body, it's difficult to define and easy to fall asleep to

eight - i'll catch what i've been chasing > i think i know that one >> yeah, you and the rest of the world

nine - this plays when my mama calls me, now add the fact that you'll will never understand why this doesn't play when you take off your hat in public.

ten - NUMBER TEN-TEN (distant echos..and that silent apprehension turns to excitement) ARCADE FIRE! 

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

aprilcoversong.m4a Listen on Posterous

You know, when you're singing and change the lyrics of a song for your own little clever karaoke pleasure. Well, I had a little vino and decided to completely re-do, 'stuck on a puzzle' by alex turner. this is just me singing a bit, and i love the song, so my impression of julian casablancas is a bit, well...hey this is the internet. all the best guys x

lyrics:

something in your magnetism must have pissed him off. i see he's just taking what i like. but i find myself worn out by the bottle of my pride. i feel all right. i might be lonely, but i'm searching for fingers touching to mine and how you use to feel this with another. oh now you're lonely and identified by pride. well you couldn't be oh my lover. i see, ah, you are all messed up and taken out to sea. do you know who you are now? and maybe you do and that's the point of view. the point that messes you. it makes you pretend, don't it. well something in her magnetism must have pissed you off! all of that connection makes you hold ya. tears back from falling, i see yourself and you see a lie. and i'm all right..because my meaning just laid on the cold. cuz your fingers won't be with mine's. oh how you use to feel this with another and now i feel that all my pride is just lost all in your trouble. oh now that another's impressed with my side. you feel worn out and insecure, like you love her. but other than your imposter, your tries. well, i say, oh no!

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

thump_thump_thump_(acoustic).mp3 Listen on Posterous

What's the lineage between obsession and desire? Between consumption and preservation?

Summer was the test. 

I like that scripting stage of the script because you really have like no pictures. So, you kind of have nothing to judge on, you just have to go on your imagination and you have to make up these things in the process of summoning up reality, you have to be able to source these emotions into feelings, into making something real and true. And, I think that lack of imagination is a terrible disease and maybe I should start writing better stories. I feel I'm self-confident enough to do this while I'm still young, and wanting to let myself go. We had a lot of fun, and it wasn't difficult because I didn't trust myself. We love the music in the movies, our memories are still protected and shared. So, yeah its cool

I love being able to make a film because it is based on what people see you can do and not on who you are. You don't have to have an advantage when you go into the room, because it's based on what you can do as a person, what you can do with your talents, what you can do as ability. And, it is so great to be in an atmosphere where people are generally interested in what you do as a person. It feels like the edge of prejudice is bounced off the wall and up to the moon, like it's out of this world. It's a high, like no other. And, it just feel so great. I think that's why it is so hard to leave the films, and why I am so depressed after I finish one or for that sake, leave anything that holds a true emotional intensity with me, because when its over, its over. You don't have those talks with those people anymore or at least not on the same level as you did when you both were going for the same. You have to start over and it can be horrible, if you are down or when you really connected with the people and then you realize its time for them to go. So, now I'm feel even more excited to try and make every moment the best and try to enjoy everybody that I'm around because it's so short and so fleeting and you know...what's the word, starts with an E, i don't know but it's something, that, ephemeral

i feel blessed to be able to sit and remember that feeling on a day like today when the cameras are not recording and the people are far away

all the best, April

* p.s. nat n alex's new CD, black sheep, so so amazing, check it out

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

so, i'm not particularly keen to raunchy comedy, i'm much more prone to the subtle, sarcastic ways of trying to fit in, making my awkward moments that much more difficult to swim in. ANYhow, I was telling you guys about, Spill.com, a website where I spend a lot of my time at, and upon this great realization, I'm here to encourage you to join me there for a laugh as well, especially when you need some cheering up!! they talk on movies, recent news, and all other general notes of bullshitting. LINK to the train --> fuck your thoughts and LOL

*raring up for their halloween episode, it's gonna be spooktacular.

hope is well with you

april

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

i'm quite obsessive, and i am not so sure if this is necessarily productive of my time, but i enjoy the places i build in my mind, the ones where I don’t feel alone, to disappear from myself and from what i've known. i've always been quite keen to put myself in situations where i should have never wanted to be. i don't know what i'm saying, i'm just trying to sound intelligent. can't you tell? there's something beautiful about eccentricity that evolves into the confidence, it's a major element of the most interesting people. the ones i wish to understand me, i've been fortunate to meet one or two like this. not many more. i'm worried about losing those, and mama knows it.

there’s a certain fear driving my words, my thoughts, something saying, no, don't say that, maybe that's a need to please people, which is strange, because, in the terrestrial realm that is exactly what i'm trying to avoid. it is too much of what i feel, and not enough of what i believe, a weird science to figuring out who you are not. necessarily choosing to abandon a collection of quotes and songs, and maybe a reaction to someone else's idea of a certain color or quote. too difficult to figure out now. this is my first work as an actress, isn't well known and seems very shallow.

to hold up everything i ever wanted to say and everything i wanted to mean, to waste a measure of life with worry until arrogance and ego appears that everyone is interested in what i have to say. it is left up to them to question whether or not they want to be entertained by me. contradiction is what i want to avoid. can't avoid everything. balance to build, and a choice that is simply, yes or no. like or not. talk or don't. the in-between leaves me in an unstable state. double-minded in all my ways. know i’m coming to realize not much wisdom departs from a wavering soul. sensitive and insecure. sensitive, no, she's a pain in the neck. too much of a genius to realize she's an idiot. goes for a hug. bonsoir papa. don't give me that nonsense. i sat down and did what i was told when i was your age. know when to stop, you’re father will never get used to you, you’re too much alike. i’m nothing like him. kiss on the cheek. ahh, my love, you’ll never change.

so i see myself smiling and being hugged by people i adore. ordering my steps to follow the path of the lovely eva green, by the snap of her eyes to mine, i see the world blowing me down. am i holding on too tightly to things i might never see. coffee and tea. full bodied wines, and i play the piano and write a movie for you and for me. to re-center myself in the fantasy of a film. and i'll enjoy this time with you and from me, like it's not real. someone to make me feel like a little bird. a little sentimental now, eh? how old are you now? what's it to you? it’s time for you to live and die to that fantasy. i’m not in such a hurry. actually you are.

nothing to eat right now. i drink a lot of water, unfortunately it has come to the point if i drink too much, i feel rather ill in the stomach, i suffer on occasions, especially when i'm bored. same thing, but there's a limit. to fresh air and how many exams you can fail, before you're called stupid. i don't care that much. liar.

i won't vote for anyone incompetent enough not to legalize marijuana.
is that all you care about? well, i shouldn't talk about things i don't know.

 > do you think you are in middle of darkness or light?
beginning to lean forward -- sorry?
> which do you prefer to rain in on your life?
-- umm..well too much of the sun will go on to destroy, so darkness is quite necessary, isn't it? light for growth, and darkness to rest, i suppose.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

NOW_I'M_A_RAPPER.mp3 Listen on Posterous

i wish i was obscene but i'm just not

i take everything apart from the seams

untied knot

the place that you could never be, success got

the future, where i cant stop, the place where you can move,

its like a love rock, uhn, pause again, and drop the price

what happened to my life, i sold it to denmark for price

i will represent, and throw they flag up because its nice

do you think becuz i carry a camera that you can write

never again, success kills and gave me a license to feel

and what you do in places i never thought it for real

garageband got a whole bunch of ppl thinking they gonna make it

got whole lot of fools thinking that they can take it

it ain't really even about how you rap or the pieces that you tap

but if you can sell it off, you move like a braggart to a plaque

whats the point in telling what you got in a song

if you never got it at home

the place where you alone

to a girl, to a boy, that motherfuka that on the fone

tell em that you love em, all the things that you'll never put in a song

posted on ya face, tag em on ya page 

most of us we got a taste of 

something we can never really face

but forgive me, i'll never bring it back to where i'm based

fuck tejas.

psyche ;)

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

My first short film is finished, and I feel happy that it was done well and with friends. I was a lot more courageous than curious to see it all finished. And, I think that paid off, because it moves you in a nice flow to create things. You forget the niceties of filmmaking and just go. You believe in yourself and that alone adds a natural energy to the process. But, that is I and this is we. And...WE all had great fun making this film, and sharing it with you seems to somehow afford us a more well meaning relationship with the Internet. With this film, I hope you can feel something that gives you a sense of joy about feeling alive and loved. It's not to necessarily say that all of our chapters think to have a happy ending. On the contrary, it seems the stories of sadness and pain are often the ones that joyously awake us. Are we made to desire this awakening? We try not to desire anything so willingly. So, the answer is yes. You know, it seems strange, how things will change. 

AND, to those that made things a little easier in the process -- thanks for your advice, love, and support! 

Thanks be to Jesus for all things and not allowing me to bend or break under the pressure of making this film. There were days where I definitely didn't think that I would be able to make it, but what God started, I could not end.

Mama, I pray for your patience. I love you. Thank you for gracefully handling all the improbable joys of receiving me as a child. You're the only one who realizes and vocalizes that my films shouldn't be anyone's top priority. 

Nili, for those of you who aren't aware, this is Jacob and Jonas' lovely mother. They say when you cast a kid, you cast their parents as well, and that axiom is well proved to be true. So, I could not have asked for anyone better to join this filmmaking family. Nili was lightyears beyond being the most patient and contained of all the parents -- that will always be the thing that I remember and appreciate the most. It's hard to explain how much patience and understanding is valued while you're pouring your heart out and sweating to death trying to get a shot done. Thank you for being able to relate to all of the joys of filmmaking. I think I can only be so hopeful as to gather the whole team direction to echo in this dynamic.

Jonas, you are the best actor's brother/production assistant I've ever worked with. This kid has an unending supply of creative energy, and he's just down right one of the funniest people I know. I love a person who is courageous enough to say what is on their mind, so maybe he hasn't fully learned to carry it out with proper concern just yet (please note: all the times he was quick to let me and everyone else around us know my face was dripping in sweat) but, all together that is what makes him an absolute joy to be around. Everything about him is spontaneous, which I really like. 

Kelly, I don't think there's any person in the world who has surprised me like she has. She just dropped into my professional life, inadvertently, we met at a Target and it is strange to say that she was interested enough to come on board and make a film with us; to this day, I can't believe I asked some girl from Target to be in my film, but when you see somebody with that much potential, you just don't let them go. Somehow, I feel we have developed a trust and respect for each other that is in a class of its own because of the way we didn't know anything about each other going into this film. Ultimately, we're kind of like partners in crime and from that, there isn't much to add, beyond myself looking forward to all the good things she does in life. 

Jacob was our dreamer. With Jacob, anything can be done. He was my partner in making the heart of this movie come through. I saw him in Oh No Ono's music video for Swim and he has always stuck in my head. Out of the brightness of his presence came the theme of the short and its spirit and tempo. He works extremely hard and always comes to the table with depth and creativity. I always felt he loved the film as much as I did, so it was inspiring to have him around. He made me remember making movies is not all about lights or cameras, but about having fun and forgetting the pauses. He was the electricity of the movie.

and special thanks to:

ditte odgaard @ bacon cph, bruce o'neal @ lone star college, kelly's family, john lance @ sonic boom audio, anne anselmo, erlend øye: 1/2 of kings of convenience, taxi taxi, rasmus @ rumraket, and thomas & bertrand @ strictly confidential

Nevertheless to me being long winded; everyone is a utensil by God. I am just hyper sensitive to all the things involved, and never more important is it to address and give thanks to the people who have helped me immerse in the unfolding of things. Filmmaking turns to be such an engaging environment; in a whole, it's basically just you and some others trying to dissolve the boundary between the script and the moment you are trying to capture and create along the way. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy the film, we did our best.

April

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

What's America? I mean, what does being an American consist of? What's our technique, our characteristics, our modes of living? Is it, arrogance, rudeness, the desire to always be loud?

I think America conjures up so many problems because of its desire to be greatest. And as the lot of you know, many of the greatest things aren't from America, in fact, almost all good coffee is imported. And, we live off coffee! Its melting pot, per se, its differences cause a lot problems to arise. It surely isn't because other countries don't house rude, arrogant people, they carry those characteristics, as well. Probably more so than, America, because of xenophobia. I think it's kind of like having an uncle who's an asshole; to the world, he really sucks at being alive, but to you, you think "Ah...he's just being Jim." The power of his rudeness is diluted because you've gotten to know him, you're familiar with his antics, you deal with them, simply because...you know him. Now, think on a grander scale, a country like, Denmark knows its people, they're relatively aware of everything and everyone around them, or at least their habits. There isn't a branch of nationalities that just moved down the block that they are worried about, because of their cautionary xenophobic laws set in place, fear of an uprise is in someways is non-existent. There's no cultural change, so there's no worry. And, a worry free lifestyle leads you to the potential to hit the curve of "the happiest people in the world".

Now in the natural, think on this stance: You meet a boy/girl, they work at a movie theatre, they're not into weed, they're into cuddling with you at your place, every night. Then, suddenly, they start to work nights at Hooters, right before work they're smoking a joint, barely staying over at your place anymore, calling you less and so forth. Simply put, they're acting different. You start to get weary and start to worry and not because you necessarily have anything against "weed smoking Hooters employed girls"; you worry because it's not what you're accustomed to, it's change. Same as when parents worry when their child matures into a teenager. Suddenly, parents lose a part of their sanity. Whether you want to admit it or not, change is scary, it's a violent overthrowing of one mindset to another; your dreams and desires change. And no one wants to be scared, so by all means, you'll embrace the comfort of security wherever you can find it. There's a reason, suburbs are such a staple in America, they're all the same. For the most part, all the people, cars and houses are the same, no one's doing better than their neighbor, there is no fear of you being outdone. Everyone is on the same playing field, and with that an illusion of safety appears.

But in reality, in life, there's always change, external stability is an ideal. One thing, you can always rely on is little stability regarding your external circumstances. Your rent can raise, your job position can be eradicated, your local grocery store can stop carrying your favorite imported beer. What say do you have, in a world, where everyone is literally screaming to be heard; whether through the media or literally in your face. There's always indifference, and since most people form expectations and ideas of you before even getting to know you, they gain warped perceptions, and worst, they act on them.

So, what's the key to happiness in America? The only way to happiness is stability, if you're constantly worried about everything, bills, your job, your kids, your life, your dreams; how can you be happy with all that anxiety? It's a reason, America is the leading country for mental disorders, stress kills. But, hey, it's not all bad in the U.S of A, with a constant influx of change, ideas rise, ideas falls, and there's always someone willing to argue their legitimacy. There's a steady fear of revolution and revelation. Everyone's afraid of being found out; no one wants their insecurities and faults to surface, they're so afraid to be different. And, fear always causes people to act irrationally, without thought, seemingly rude, arrogant, American...when really they're just scared. So, they pile into the facades, the suburbs, the high luxury SUV's, the ideal of happiness; and it's sad because that's all it really is, is an ideal. The Americana escape from fear: commercialism. America banks on your fear. I believe we all have fear instilled in us, most of it coming from our past experiences, and naturally that affects how we act in the present. Our past shapes our future. So, how are we not defined by our past? Simple: we change; the way we live, our mindsets, our life.

I find, security in Christ, basically trusting and relying on him for everything, realizing I have very little stake in heavy anxieties, when God is the same today as he was yesterday and will be tomorrow. Stability is present, being a child of the most high God, what do I have to worry about? Life is for the living, and hey, April Johnson only lives once and I'm anticipating the very best, because life is good and God is greater.  Fear hinders your belief in good. It's hard to explain that good exists when the news constantly promotes fear, but today is a new day, and you can be the change. I can't argue your beliefs, but following God, for me is a ritual, starting my day out with him is a routine practice. Same as, with daily exercise or your morning coffee; routines establish stability, and God grants me mental stability which is far more powerful than a run on the treadmill or a cup of joe. Now, where is your happiness coming from? The insecure external realm or from within?

love stays the same,
april johnson

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

i want to do a music video for this song, best hip hop i've heard in a long time

outta of new zealand...hyper shit, huh?

David_Dallas_-_Caught_In_A_Daze_(feat._Freddie_Gibbs).mp3 Listen on Posterous

the 19 y/o with a camera, anonymous to most of the populous

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

i can't treat people like that. i've been treated like that. people are not robots, they are not going to respond they way i want them to, when i want them to. they are not always going to do the things i want them to do. i can't control people, i try, but each time i end up in a place where i cannot stay. if i leave now, i'll just end up here again, that's the way it is. i'll go around this same mountain once more. i'll do what i never wanted to do in the first place, because everything is not going my way. i'll hurt people in the process, love them and leave them. i'll do it once more. and i want to stop, because it's wrong. it's selfish. it's hurtful. it's ugly. it's me. i've been through enough people to realize this is not who i want to be. things have to change in a new way. i love you and i want it to stay like that. not because you give me what i want. not because you call me when i want to talk. not because you tell me the nice things that make me feel good about myself. not because of the way you make me feel. but because you love me for who i am. the arrogant, insecure, talented, weird, self-absorbed film geek who wants it all. it's nice, that you don't give a fuck about any of the above. so, why do i feel like i deserve more? is it arrogance lacking in depth? is it something i was told the a long time ago? is it me? is it something i can change? is it the resentment and polished motives that i saved up? i'm not sure, but sometimes i just want to not want it all. i'll do my best to stand by your side and keep my ego from falling apart. you are awesome, and i ain't wasting no more time. i read a fortune cookie wrapper that said, "your persistence and endurance will be rewarded", so it may take a 1000 years, but i think i can do it.

thanks for listening.

-- april johnson

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

how much of this is therapeutic? sometimes i wonder if it's narcissistic to put your demons on a soapbox, right now, i'm at a time, where i'm having problems, sometimes i'm circling around happiness and other times i'm not. i wish two drinks were always in me, i'm having a hard time letting go. i don't feel necessarily sad, just burdened. my taste is totally out of control, sometimes i need confidence to walk around on my own way of thinking. happiness can be a weird thing, life suggests you to try your best to keep sadness at a bay. naturally, i wonder if i'll ever find a balance on what life does. i think i have come to regard that it will always be there. things are changing, how i share the hours, how i'm working, how i'm living. i've changed my mode of operations, just to get some air, now i'm surprised by how cold it feels against my face. it feels better when you don't know why. change doesn't ease your pain right away, it's something i never really wanted, but there were problems. change involves a great amount of frustration. you try to find the happiness of your mind and end up lost in the thoughts. life settles all of that, it is very demanding and finishes the collective satisfaction all together, it's always contradicting, the flesh and the mind. the world listens to our thoughts and runs along, in recent times, i find it is not necessarily thrilled to run my way. i find it reasonable to believe that freedom lifts the misunderstanding, it is a way out of the circle.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

I don’t feel like there’s any need to hide the fact that I smoke weed. And today, I gave up smoking. Up front, I have nothing against smoking or drinking, it can be nice. But with me, it had a dark side, I wasn't happy unless I had a smoke in the morning or before going to school, literally it got to the point where if I wasn't feeling high, I wasn't happy. And it started affecting my health, giving me shortness of breath, and life's too short to die early. Now, if I move to LA and get a vaporiser, maybe I'll go back to just enjoying weed recreationally, but until then, so long my friend and adversary.

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

The nice thing about obscurity is that you don't have to explain yourself. As soon as you touch on some desire, people want know, why are doing this, what do you know, who's she, what's it mean, and who you're fucking...

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

if you do it once, people think it's a part of the act
if you do it twice, people think it's a trick
it you do it three times, well it's a gimmick
so my thing is keep it fresh, keep it new

can't wait for y'all to see this new shit i'm working on, out of this world
all i got to say is God is good, i'm truly blessed
much love to you all
xoxo april

Permalink | Leave a comment  »

The_Beautiful_Ones.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Permalink | Leave a comment  »