i can't treat people like that. i've been treated like that. people are not robots, they are not going to respond they way i want them to, when i want them to. they are not always going to do the things i want them to do. i can't control people, i try, but each time i end up in a place where i cannot stay. if i leave now, i'll just end up here again, that's the way it is. i'll go around this same mountain once more. i'll do what i never wanted to do in the first place, because everything is not going my way. i'll hurt people in the process, love them and leave them. i'll do it once more. and i want to stop, because it's wrong. it's selfish. it's hurtful. it's ugly. it's me. i've been through enough people to realize this is not who i want to be. things have to change in a new way. i love you and i want it to stay like that. not because you give me what i want. not because you call me when i want to talk. not because you tell me the nice things that make me feel good about myself. not because of the way you make me feel. but because you love me for who i am. the arrogant, insecure, talented, weird, self-absorbed film geek who wants it all. it's nice, that you don't give a fuck about any of the above. so, why do i feel like i deserve more? is it arrogance lacking in depth? is it something i was told the a long time ago? is it me? is it something i can change? is it the resentment and polished motives that i saved up? i'm not sure, but sometimes i just want to not want it all. i'll do my best to stand by your side and keep my ego from falling apart. you are awesome, and i ain't wasting no more time. i read a fortune cookie wrapper that said, "your persistence and endurance will be rewarded", so it may take a 1000 years, but i think i can do it.

thanks for listening.

-- april johnson