I'm tired of being in the spirit of the Lord, my God everyday and still having to be emotionally bound by my consumption of weed. There has to be something that connects to me at a deeper level, so that my spirit will have peace - at a higher capacity. When being gaged with the conflicts of my spirit, I love to have a smoke, this is how I got in this situation, weed brings peace to my physical (body) and psychological (mind) sense. But, I am learning that I can't just play with my mind and touch the ineffectual senses of my body and expect to prosper in my spirit. So, now that the days have took my ganja, I get upset in my spirit and I lose peace within myself and with God. My mind gets stressed out, where I can't even sleep at night, drinking just to calm myself down, listening to the same songs over and over and still getting nowhere. I know, y'all ain't never been here. For the weapons of warfare are not carnal, but are born out of the spirit. We are not mighty in flesh, and this year, this addiction has got to get off of me. Because God is doing something crazy in my life..that is getting me out of the box. And when I step out, I need everything in my power to be in check. I will not let my spirit be taken for granted. Thank you Jesus for providing me with strength. I'm about to step into a realm of blessings that even my haters can't stop, and I need to be prepared. I declare this year will be beyond what I can even think, dream, or dare to imagine. How do I know this? Because, God has done it before. As of today, I'm not gonna worry about it, because with all this being said, I'm still here by the grace of God, and 2012 has been testing my manifestation for being blessed. So, I speak unto everything that holds up my character, in the voice of Lil Wayne, stop throwing pebbles at a bulletproof glass. You can't stop me. And, just think if you haven't been under attack, you ain't been fighting for shit. 

Stay blessed, April 

* Don't me get wrong, I still enjoy having weed, but I want to get to the point, where I can I have it and it doesn't have me. I got into it, out of depression, and I'm not depressed anymore. So, I need to strike of sense of balance within it and myself, and sometimes the best way to propagate structure is to tear the whole thing down and start building again on a new and stable foundation. Best xx

i'm quite obsessive, and i am not so sure if this is necessarily productive of my time, but i enjoy the places i build in my mind, the ones where I don’t feel alone, to disappear from myself and from what i've known. i've always been quite keen to put myself in situations where i should have never wanted to be. i don't know what i'm saying, i'm just trying to sound intelligent. can't you tell? there's something beautiful about eccentricity that evolves into the confidence, it's a major element of the most interesting people. the ones i wish to understand me, i've been fortunate to meet one or two like this. not many more. i'm worried about losing those, and mama knows it.

there’s a certain fear driving my words, my thoughts, something saying, no, don't say that, maybe that's a need to please people, which is strange, because, in the terrestrial realm that is exactly what i'm trying to avoid. it is too much of what i feel, and not enough of what i believe, a weird science to figuring out who you are not. necessarily choosing to abandon a collection of quotes and songs, and maybe a reaction to someone else's idea of a certain color or quote. too difficult to figure out now. this is my first work as an actress, isn't well known and seems very shallow.

to hold up everything i ever wanted to say and everything i wanted to mean, to waste a measure of life with worry until arrogance and ego appears that everyone is interested in what i have to say. it is left up to them to question whether or not they want to be entertained by me. contradiction is what i want to avoid. can't avoid everything. balance to build, and a choice that is simply, yes or no. like or not. talk or don't. the in-between leaves me in an unstable state. double-minded in all my ways. know i’m coming to realize not much wisdom departs from a wavering soul. sensitive and insecure. sensitive, no, she's a pain in the neck. too much of a genius to realize she's an idiot. goes for a hug. bonsoir papa. don't give me that nonsense. i sat down and did what i was told when i was your age. know when to stop, you’re father will never get used to you, you’re too much alike. i’m nothing like him. kiss on the cheek. ahh, my love, you’ll never change.

so i see myself smiling and being hugged by people i adore. ordering my steps to follow the path of the lovely eva green, by the snap of her eyes to mine, i see the world blowing me down. am i holding on too tightly to things i might never see. coffee and tea. full bodied wines, and i play the piano and write a movie for you and for me. to re-center myself in the fantasy of a film. and i'll enjoy this time with you and from me, like it's not real. someone to make me feel like a little bird. a little sentimental now, eh? how old are you now? what's it to you? it’s time for you to live and die to that fantasy. i’m not in such a hurry. actually you are.

nothing to eat right now. i drink a lot of water, unfortunately it has come to the point if i drink too much, i feel rather ill in the stomach, i suffer on occasions, especially when i'm bored. same thing, but there's a limit. to fresh air and how many exams you can fail, before you're called stupid. i don't care that much. liar.

i won't vote for anyone incompetent enough not to legalize marijuana.
is that all you care about? well, i shouldn't talk about things i don't know.

 > do you think you are in middle of darkness or light?
beginning to lean forward -- sorry?
> which do you prefer to rain in on your life?
-- umm..well too much of the sun will go on to destroy, so darkness is quite necessary, isn't it? light for growth, and darkness to rest, i suppose.

What's America? I mean, what does being an American consist of? What's our technique, our characteristics, our modes of living? Is it, arrogance, rudeness, the desire to always be loud?

I think America conjures up so many problems because of its desire to be greatest. And as the lot of you know, many of the greatest things aren't from America, in fact, almost all good coffee is imported. And, we live off coffee! Its melting pot, per se, its differences cause a lot problems to arise. It surely isn't because other countries don't house rude, arrogant people, they carry those characteristics, as well. Probably more so than, America, because of xenophobia. I think it's kind of like having an uncle who's an asshole; to the world, he really sucks at being alive, but to you, you think "Ah...he's just being Jim." The power of his rudeness is diluted because you've gotten to know him, you're familiar with his antics, you deal with them, simply because...you know him. Now, think on a grander scale, a country like, Denmark knows its people, they're relatively aware of everything and everyone around them, or at least their habits. There isn't a branch of nationalities that just moved down the block that they are worried about, because of their cautionary xenophobic laws set in place, fear of an uprise is in someways is non-existent. There's no cultural change, so there's no worry. And, a worry free lifestyle leads you to the potential to hit the curve of "the happiest people in the world".

Now in the natural, think on this stance: You meet a boy/girl, they work at a movie theatre, they're not into weed, they're into cuddling with you at your place, every night. Then, suddenly, they start to work nights at Hooters, right before work they're smoking a joint, barely staying over at your place anymore, calling you less and so forth. Simply put, they're acting different. You start to get weary and start to worry and not because you necessarily have anything against "weed smoking Hooters employed girls"; you worry because it's not what you're accustomed to, it's change. Same as when parents worry when their child matures into a teenager. Suddenly, parents lose a part of their sanity. Whether you want to admit it or not, change is scary, it's a violent overthrowing of one mindset to another; your dreams and desires change. And no one wants to be scared, so by all means, you'll embrace the comfort of security wherever you can find it. There's a reason, suburbs are such a staple in America, they're all the same. For the most part, all the people, cars and houses are the same, no one's doing better than their neighbor, there is no fear of you being outdone. Everyone is on the same playing field, and with that an illusion of safety appears.

But in reality, in life, there's always change, external stability is an ideal. One thing, you can always rely on is little stability regarding your external circumstances. Your rent can raise, your job position can be eradicated, your local grocery store can stop carrying your favorite imported beer. What say do you have, in a world, where everyone is literally screaming to be heard; whether through the media or literally in your face. There's always indifference, and since most people form expectations and ideas of you before even getting to know you, they gain warped perceptions, and worst, they act on them.

So, what's the key to happiness in America? The only way to happiness is stability, if you're constantly worried about everything, bills, your job, your kids, your life, your dreams; how can you be happy with all that anxiety? It's a reason, America is the leading country for mental disorders, stress kills. But, hey, it's not all bad in the U.S of A, with a constant influx of change, ideas rise, ideas falls, and there's always someone willing to argue their legitimacy. There's a steady fear of revolution and revelation. Everyone's afraid of being found out; no one wants their insecurities and faults to surface, they're so afraid to be different. And, fear always causes people to act irrationally, without thought, seemingly rude, arrogant, American...when really they're just scared. So, they pile into the facades, the suburbs, the high luxury SUV's, the ideal of happiness; and it's sad because that's all it really is, is an ideal. The Americana escape from fear: commercialism. America banks on your fear. I believe we all have fear instilled in us, most of it coming from our past experiences, and naturally that affects how we act in the present. Our past shapes our future. So, how are we not defined by our past? Simple: we change; the way we live, our mindsets, our life.

I find, security in Christ, basically trusting and relying on him for everything, realizing I have very little stake in heavy anxieties, when God is the same today as he was yesterday and will be tomorrow. Stability is present, being a child of the most high God, what do I have to worry about? Life is for the living, and hey, April Johnson only lives once and I'm anticipating the very best, because life is good and God is greater.  Fear hinders your belief in good. It's hard to explain that good exists when the news constantly promotes fear, but today is a new day, and you can be the change. I can't argue your beliefs, but following God, for me is a ritual, starting my day out with him is a routine practice. Same as, with daily exercise or your morning coffee; routines establish stability, and God grants me mental stability which is far more powerful than a run on the treadmill or a cup of joe. Now, where is your happiness coming from? The insecure external realm or from within?

love stays the same,
april johnson