What's the lineage between obsession and desire? Between consumption and preservation?

Summer was the test. 

I like that scripting stage of the script because you really have like no pictures. So, you kind of have nothing to judge on, you just have to go on your imagination and you have to make up these things in the process of summoning up reality, you have to be able to source these emotions into feelings, into making something real and true. And, I think that lack of imagination is a terrible disease and maybe I should start writing better stories. I feel I'm self-confident enough to do this while I'm still young, and wanting to let myself go. We had a lot of fun, and it wasn't difficult because I didn't trust myself. We love the music in the movies, our memories are still protected and shared. So, yeah its cool

I love being able to make a film because it is based on what people see you can do and not on who you are. You don't have to have an advantage when you go into the room, because it's based on what you can do as a person, what you can do with your talents, what you can do as ability. And, it is so great to be in an atmosphere where people are generally interested in what you do as a person. It feels like the edge of prejudice is bounced off the wall and up to the moon, like it's out of this world. It's a high, like no other. And, it just feel so great. I think that's why it is so hard to leave the films, and why I am so depressed after I finish one or for that sake, leave anything that holds a true emotional intensity with me, because when its over, its over. You don't have those talks with those people anymore or at least not on the same level as you did when you both were going for the same. You have to start over and it can be horrible, if you are down or when you really connected with the people and then you realize its time for them to go. So, now I'm feel even more excited to try and make every moment the best and try to enjoy everybody that I'm around because it's so short and so fleeting and you know...what's the word, starts with an E, i don't know but it's something, that, ephemeral

i feel blessed to be able to sit and remember that feeling on a day like today when the cameras are not recording and the people are far away

all the best, April

* p.s. nat n alex's new CD, black sheep, so so amazing, check it out

What's America? I mean, what does being an American consist of? What's our technique, our characteristics, our modes of living? Is it, arrogance, rudeness, the desire to always be loud?

I think America conjures up so many problems because of its desire to be greatest. And as the lot of you know, many of the greatest things aren't from America, in fact, almost all good coffee is imported. And, we live off coffee! Its melting pot, per se, its differences cause a lot problems to arise. It surely isn't because other countries don't house rude, arrogant people, they carry those characteristics, as well. Probably more so than, America, because of xenophobia. I think it's kind of like having an uncle who's an asshole; to the world, he really sucks at being alive, but to you, you think "Ah...he's just being Jim." The power of his rudeness is diluted because you've gotten to know him, you're familiar with his antics, you deal with them, simply because...you know him. Now, think on a grander scale, a country like, Denmark knows its people, they're relatively aware of everything and everyone around them, or at least their habits. There isn't a branch of nationalities that just moved down the block that they are worried about, because of their cautionary xenophobic laws set in place, fear of an uprise is in someways is non-existent. There's no cultural change, so there's no worry. And, a worry free lifestyle leads you to the potential to hit the curve of "the happiest people in the world".

Now in the natural, think on this stance: You meet a boy/girl, they work at a movie theatre, they're not into weed, they're into cuddling with you at your place, every night. Then, suddenly, they start to work nights at Hooters, right before work they're smoking a joint, barely staying over at your place anymore, calling you less and so forth. Simply put, they're acting different. You start to get weary and start to worry and not because you necessarily have anything against "weed smoking Hooters employed girls"; you worry because it's not what you're accustomed to, it's change. Same as when parents worry when their child matures into a teenager. Suddenly, parents lose a part of their sanity. Whether you want to admit it or not, change is scary, it's a violent overthrowing of one mindset to another; your dreams and desires change. And no one wants to be scared, so by all means, you'll embrace the comfort of security wherever you can find it. There's a reason, suburbs are such a staple in America, they're all the same. For the most part, all the people, cars and houses are the same, no one's doing better than their neighbor, there is no fear of you being outdone. Everyone is on the same playing field, and with that an illusion of safety appears.

But in reality, in life, there's always change, external stability is an ideal. One thing, you can always rely on is little stability regarding your external circumstances. Your rent can raise, your job position can be eradicated, your local grocery store can stop carrying your favorite imported beer. What say do you have, in a world, where everyone is literally screaming to be heard; whether through the media or literally in your face. There's always indifference, and since most people form expectations and ideas of you before even getting to know you, they gain warped perceptions, and worst, they act on them.

So, what's the key to happiness in America? The only way to happiness is stability, if you're constantly worried about everything, bills, your job, your kids, your life, your dreams; how can you be happy with all that anxiety? It's a reason, America is the leading country for mental disorders, stress kills. But, hey, it's not all bad in the U.S of A, with a constant influx of change, ideas rise, ideas falls, and there's always someone willing to argue their legitimacy. There's a steady fear of revolution and revelation. Everyone's afraid of being found out; no one wants their insecurities and faults to surface, they're so afraid to be different. And, fear always causes people to act irrationally, without thought, seemingly rude, arrogant, American...when really they're just scared. So, they pile into the facades, the suburbs, the high luxury SUV's, the ideal of happiness; and it's sad because that's all it really is, is an ideal. The Americana escape from fear: commercialism. America banks on your fear. I believe we all have fear instilled in us, most of it coming from our past experiences, and naturally that affects how we act in the present. Our past shapes our future. So, how are we not defined by our past? Simple: we change; the way we live, our mindsets, our life.

I find, security in Christ, basically trusting and relying on him for everything, realizing I have very little stake in heavy anxieties, when God is the same today as he was yesterday and will be tomorrow. Stability is present, being a child of the most high God, what do I have to worry about? Life is for the living, and hey, April Johnson only lives once and I'm anticipating the very best, because life is good and God is greater.  Fear hinders your belief in good. It's hard to explain that good exists when the news constantly promotes fear, but today is a new day, and you can be the change. I can't argue your beliefs, but following God, for me is a ritual, starting my day out with him is a routine practice. Same as, with daily exercise or your morning coffee; routines establish stability, and God grants me mental stability which is far more powerful than a run on the treadmill or a cup of joe. Now, where is your happiness coming from? The insecure external realm or from within?

love stays the same,
april johnson

i can't treat people like that. i've been treated like that. people are not robots, they are not going to respond they way i want them to, when i want them to. they are not always going to do the things i want them to do. i can't control people, i try, but each time i end up in a place where i cannot stay. if i leave now, i'll just end up here again, that's the way it is. i'll go around this same mountain once more. i'll do what i never wanted to do in the first place, because everything is not going my way. i'll hurt people in the process, love them and leave them. i'll do it once more. and i want to stop, because it's wrong. it's selfish. it's hurtful. it's ugly. it's me. i've been through enough people to realize this is not who i want to be. things have to change in a new way. i love you and i want it to stay like that. not because you give me what i want. not because you call me when i want to talk. not because you tell me the nice things that make me feel good about myself. not because of the way you make me feel. but because you love me for who i am. the arrogant, insecure, talented, weird, self-absorbed film geek who wants it all. it's nice, that you don't give a fuck about any of the above. so, why do i feel like i deserve more? is it arrogance lacking in depth? is it something i was told the a long time ago? is it me? is it something i can change? is it the resentment and polished motives that i saved up? i'm not sure, but sometimes i just want to not want it all. i'll do my best to stand by your side and keep my ego from falling apart. you are awesome, and i ain't wasting no more time. i read a fortune cookie wrapper that said, "your persistence and endurance will be rewarded", so it may take a 1000 years, but i think i can do it.

thanks for listening.

-- april johnson

how much of this is therapeutic? sometimes i wonder if it's narcissistic to put your demons on a soapbox, right now, i'm at a time, where i'm having problems, sometimes i'm circling around happiness and other times i'm not. i wish two drinks were always in me, i'm having a hard time letting go. i don't feel necessarily sad, just burdened. my taste is totally out of control, sometimes i need confidence to walk around on my own way of thinking. happiness can be a weird thing, life suggests you to try your best to keep sadness at a bay. naturally, i wonder if i'll ever find a balance on what life does. i think i have come to regard that it will always be there. things are changing, how i share the hours, how i'm working, how i'm living. i've changed my mode of operations, just to get some air, now i'm surprised by how cold it feels against my face. it feels better when you don't know why. change doesn't ease your pain right away, it's something i never really wanted, but there were problems. change involves a great amount of frustration. you try to find the happiness of your mind and end up lost in the thoughts. life settles all of that, it is very demanding and finishes the collective satisfaction all together, it's always contradicting, the flesh and the mind. the world listens to our thoughts and runs along, in recent times, i find it is not necessarily thrilled to run my way. i find it reasonable to believe that freedom lifts the misunderstanding, it is a way out of the circle.